I've Got Mail!

A quick look through my bulk email is not going to happen. I have 412 messages, which combine to offer me all that a man, a woman, a donkey or some blend of the three could possibly want. Be forewarned, I have no kids, so the family filter is NOT turned own. If you’re easily offended, move along. If you’re not, blindfold the kids before you read on. Some of the stuff I find in my bulk email is just plain disturbing.

Ah, an offer for something called “Hoodia Supreme.” I don’t know what that is – a drug that makes you feel like you’re in the hood, perhaps? I think I’ll pass. Hey, I can meet hot singles in my area! I wonder if they’ll mind if my wife comes along to supervise?

Oh, a public service email – “Read this before purchasing penis enlarge products!” I guess the word “enlargement” is too long for their purposes. Happily, so am I. Here’s another – “Increse your penis width by 20%!” Uh, who’s going to do the measuring to validate that? Since 24 of these emails are for penis enlargement products, I have to wonder – am I the only man in America who doesn’t have a complex about this?

Another couple dozen offer Viagra, or Super-Viagra or Viagra with less calories. Long before I purchase any such thing – from somebody I don’t know, who contacted me by random via spam – I’ll be responding to the touching letter of recently orphaned and widowed Mr. Veridou Camptomata, who wants me to send him my personal banking information so that he do what God has asked and deposit $30,000,000 in my account to hold for him as he tries to make his way out of war torn Naimibilla. Apparently we’ll be splitting this money when he gets here to the states, as a thank you for my trusting him enough to send him my banking info. Yeah. Why not get the penis enlargement folks to help with that pal? Anybody who thinks I’m giving them money in exchange for mystery meds that could contain god know what and may or may not cause my naughty bits to swell might be gullible enough to provide you with their banking info. You’re not getting mine, unless God walks walk in here and puts a gun to my head.

Ah, here’s something that will help me grow my hair back overnight. I’ll have to lose it first, folks, so check with me after my next cranial flash fire. Hey, I can eat anything I want and still lose weight! Of course, I can already do that by engaging in something I like to call, “exercise.” Plus, I weigh 165 pounds soaking wet, and since I’m not a dwarf, maybe this isn’t the product I most need right now. What’s next for my apparently perverted, small/soft membered, bald, fat, dateless self?

“Ten most common mistakes women make with men.” Now you’re assuming that my shorts are so empty from not buying your penis enlargement products that I can pass for a woman? I think my walk will still give it away. What else have ya got? “Your Mortagee approved!” Oh, there’s good news. I’m so insecure about this – I desperately need the approval of my mortagee, even from random spam senders.

Uh-oh, gotta go. My PalPal account’s been compromised. Nine times. I better send them all of my banking info, so they can “ccoorect” this “immeediately.”

Karl Rove to Cut Back on Policy, Concentrate on Ways to be Purely Evil.

Karl Rove surrendered his role overseeing policy on Wednesday. Rove will instead offer the president “new and disgusting ways to screw the middle class,” and, more importantly to the White House, “ways to get more fine young Americans killed and maimed, rather than admit that we made an idiotic mistake in going to war with Iraq.”

Rove cheerfully stated, “I look forward to finding new and unique ways to get flag waving morons to vote their anti-gay prejudices and to slavishly accept the end of all of the rights afforded us by the U.S. Constitution. Look, I’m unbelievably gay myself, but I know my place; it’s in the closet. If we can just get people to forget the ideals the flags represents and for which brave men and women have gladly given up their lives, and just focus on our efforts to prevent people from burning it, I’ll be pleased. Oh, and families are important, blah, blah, blah – our core voters eat that shit up with a spoon! I just hope they keep failing to notice we haven’t done a damn thing to actually help families making under $100,000 a year,” Rove added, laughing.

The White House issued a statement saying that a major celebration was planned, and would commence as soon as a virgin could be found to be sacrificed in a Black Mass.

White House Dismisses Talk of "Iraq War"

The White House announced today that “There is no war in Iraq, and we have no intention of starting one.”

Press secretary Scott McClellan went on to say, “Hey, c’mon, let’s get serious. If we were going to go to war with Iraq, we’d have to leave hundreds of thousands of troops there to establish control, or they’d just become targets. Plus, we just don’t have the manpower for that, given that we’re actively smoking out Bin-Laden and marshalling our troops for possible confrontation with really dangerous countries like Iran and North Korea. Most of our efforts, as you know, have been focused on providing aid and rebuilding in the wake of Katrina. This whole Iraq war thing would just be a distraction from those very serious issues. It’s a fantasy of the liberal media that there’s a war going on in Iraq.”

McClellan dismissed questions about the Bush administration’s five year history of justifying and prosecuting the Iraq war, saying, “Again, these are questions we have answered repeatedly, and there’s simply no credible evidence that we’re actively militarily engaged in Iraq. The 20,000 American casualties you keep referring to either didn’t happen or were the result of the normal injuries and fatalities you would expect to see when you have a military as large as ours.”

When pressed about the administration’s assertions that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction which required U.S. intervention with the aid of “the coalition of the willing,” McClellan replied, “Again, this is simply the liberal media reporting things out of context. Hell, we know Saddam has WMD. We sold them to him. He remains a trusted ally in the region, providing a buttress against Iran. Why else would there be this picture of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld smiling and shaking hands with him?”

McClellan ignored shouted questions long enough to add, “There are scattered reports that some American servicemen are in the general region of Iraq, but remember, it’s right next to Iran, and we’re about to kick their ass. Naturally, you’d want a few troops nearby. I think that pretty much covers this whole so called Iraq war thing.”

Bush Woes Deepen; Said to Have Approved "Joey" Program

New court documents filed by Scooter Libby show that despite official denials, George Bush personally approved of the Matt LeBlanc sitcom, “Joey.” Support for the program has rapidly eroded after a first season that many Republicans are privately admitting “just wasn’t that funny.” Bush himself has refused to admit that he made any errors in judgment when he met LeBlanc on the set of the troubled sitcom and expressed, “LeBlancy, you’re doin’ a heckuva job.”

Press secretary Scott McClellan denied that any current White House staff members had “actively watched the program,” but quickly noted that the Constitution gives broad powers to a wartime Commander in Chief to deem any show he sees fit to be “hilarious.”

Democrats, many of whom initially supported the program, said that they had not been fully briefed, and were not privy to secret White House intelligence about future planned developments in the now largely discredited series. “Hey, did we know they were going to do a divisive show about Joey and Zack getting `married?’ In Mexico?” Nancy Pelosi demanded in a separate press conference hastily called by Democrats and held in a broom closet of a local YMCA. “The truth is this episode shows how much we need to reinforce our borders. If Joey and Zack can be allowed to just come back into the states unchecked, we are seriously putting our children at risk. The fact is that Republicans continue to embrace a culture of corruption, when they try to hide behind the excuse that these are fictional characters.”

Tom DeLay said he’d never heard of the show, despite numerous photos of the former House majority leader golfing on the set. Dick Cheney angrily denounced the Democratic response, saying, “This is a program the president and I fully support, and frankly, it unacceptable for Democrats to reveal to our enemies in a time of war that they disagree with patriotic Americans’ sense of humor. I think the media only want to report the negative, like cast members departing to do other pilots. They never file stories on the fact that Matt (LeBlanc) and the chick from `The Sopranos’ were recently assigned parking places closer to the NBC commissary. That’s just not sexy.”

But even some on the right now voice doubts. “I think this program was ill conceived. We want to support our “Friends,” but this isn’t the way to do it. That’s why I support a woman’s right to choose whether or not to view the show in reruns or to buy whole seasons of “Friends” on DVD,” said former NYC mayor Ruddy Giuliani. Democrats quickly countered that they had a plan to fund more DVD handouts to Hurricane Katrina victims, and discounted calls by Senator Russ Feingold to edit Matt LeBlanc’s character out of the series as “expensive and impractical,” but left open the possibility of naming a special prosecutor.

McClellan further denied that the program was in trouble, despite having been pulled from the NBC schedule. “We are in ongoing talks, and we’re attempting to get representatives of North Korea to discuss with us, and NBC, the possibility of requiring their citizens to watch the show, which would bolster the program overseas. Those talks are in a critical stage and I’m not going to discuss an ongoing negotiation.” McClellan went on to deny that “there’s even a shred of credibility” to Iran’s claims that they are only developing nuclear weapons to protect themselves from the program. “Frankly, we heard that before in reference to the `Dukes of Hazard’ movie and the screen adaptation of `Bewitched.’ Iran is playing a dangerous game with these latest claims,” adding the assurance that “If the U.N. wouldn’t step forward to support this vital program, the president is fully prepared that we’ll go it alone.”

NBC officials said they hadn’t decide whether or not to renew the program, and were consulting with legal scholars to see if they could cancel it without being declared enemy combatants and incarcerated in Guantanamo.

Cheney Announces Opera Tour

Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney was forced to announce a tour of opera houses as a "primo tenor kinda deal," after making idiotic comments about Democrats inability to lead a war. "If they are competent to fight this war, then I ought to be singing on American Idol," said Cheney, much to the delight and raucous laughter of his hand picked crowd of fans of the TV show "Hee-Haw." The laughter died quickly, however, when former General Wesley Clark and former Military Policeman and Democrat Dennis Dale pointed out to Cheney that he was "a punk who never served a day in the uniform of his country, and an imbecile who can't distinguish a trial lawyer from a bird." Cheney, ever gracious, was forced to admit there may be a Democrat or two who knows more about warfare than Cheney himself, and immediately booked the opera tour as a show of his commitment to "whatever." Meanwhile many expressed the hope that Cheney would in fact be committed.